I thought there would at least be a doorbell.
My knocks endlessly echo with every hard knuckle I put to the door.
It’s almost like nobody is there, an entire house void of anything present.
Am I being ignored?
Does it know that I’m so eagerly wanting in?
What did I do wrong?
I stop for a few minutes to gather my thoughts.
I see a swing on the porch so I swing by and say hello.
It was fun. It took away my hesitations and made me feel like a kid again – full of ignorance to this world we live in.
It wasn’t happiness though.
More knocks on the door seem to be pointless. More echos…
I hear a wind chime tinkle on the corner of the porch.
I shouldn’t mess with it. It would be a distraction to my end goal.
It looks like a blast though. What’s the worst that could happen?
One quick motion through it with my trembling fingers and it encompassed my body with a rush of emotions.
What a rush! Something so small and so clear could make me so happy – no, not happy.
Eager. Eager for the next time I could hear that sound of those chimes. It isn’t healthy to obsess over this. This isn’t happiness.
I moved slowly to the steps of the porch. I was ready to leave.
Ready to walk away from this journey for happiness and leave is all behind.
One step down the stairs I thought what my mother would think of me. What would she do?
How could she live with herself knowing that I gave up? It wasn’t her fault, but that wouldn’t stop her from thinking so.
I took another step and thought of the rest of my family. How could I be so selfish?
I took a single step backward.
Like a tidal wave hit me, I jumped back onto the porch.
I can’t abandon this. I need this. I deserve this.
I whip my head around as if I heard the door crack open. It creaks a little open and I make my way to the door.
As my hand is on the doorknob, I see her inside the house.
In all her perfection, she’s singing and dancing to some song.
I won’t ruin that beautiful smile of hers. I won’t allow myself to.
Slowly, almost as if planned – the door shuts and a tear hits the porch.
I’ll wait.