February

These walls tighten around me as if an assassin’s own piano wire was at my throat

There is no time

I have to choose

I have been here before

The crossroads of yearning and unknowing

My heartbeat echoing itself throughout these empty chambers

I could escape this breathing labyrinth

Grab the mud covered hand that reaches for me

Tread til my shoes run bare and the blood from my heels mix with the clay

Or I could turn back

With what I know and what I don’t know as the true causes for retreat

And shelter myself in the thickest armor forged in the hottest fire

Or

As all history suggests

I will play only the fool

And I will allow these walls to crush me

On the Doorstep of Happiness

I thought there would at least be a doorbell.

My knocks endlessly echo with every hard knuckle I put to the door.

It’s almost like nobody is there, an entire house void of anything present.

Am I being ignored?

Does it know that I’m so eagerly wanting in?

What did I do wrong?

I stop for a few minutes to gather my thoughts.

I see a swing on the porch so I swing by and say hello.

It was fun.  It took away my hesitations and made me feel like a kid again – full of ignorance to this world we live in.

It wasn’t happiness though.

More knocks on the door seem to be pointless.  More echos…

I hear a wind chime tinkle on the corner of the porch.

I shouldn’t mess with it.  It would be a distraction to my end goal.

It looks like a blast though.  What’s the worst that could happen?

One quick motion through it with my trembling fingers and it encompassed my body with a rush of emotions.

What a rush!  Something so small and so clear could make me so happy – no, not happy.

Eager.  Eager for the next time I could hear that sound of those chimes.  It isn’t healthy to obsess over this.  This isn’t happiness.

I moved slowly to the steps of the porch.  I was ready to leave.

Ready to walk away from this journey for happiness and leave is all behind.

One step down the stairs I thought what my mother would think of me.  What would she do?

How could she live with herself knowing that I gave up?  It wasn’t her fault, but that wouldn’t stop her from thinking so.

I took another step and thought of the rest of my family.  How could I be so selfish?

I took a single step backward.

Like a tidal wave hit me, I jumped back onto the porch.

I can’t abandon this.  I need this.  I deserve this.

I whip my head around as if I heard the door crack open.  It creaks a little open and I make my way to the door.

As my hand is on the doorknob, I see her inside the house.

In all her perfection, she’s singing and dancing to some song.

I won’t ruin that beautiful smile of hers.  I won’t allow myself to.

Slowly, almost as if planned – the door shuts and a tear hits the porch.

I’ll wait.